# The struggle within

## The emotions of programming

There's a stereotype of a programmer sitting emotionless in front of the computer. They sit quietly  entering lines of code as though they were transcribing them from memory. But if you've been a programmer or have been around programmers you know that it's more like the stereotype of a frustrated composer. Sure we sit in front of our computers for periods of silence and concentration but we're far from emotionless. We bask in the glories of code that works perfectly the first time. We glower at code that misbehaves. We go from cheering ourselves in victory to cursing the machine and threatening it with clenched fists. We swing from emotion to emotion: exuberance, joy, fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and shame. 

No wonder we're exhausted by the end of the day.

Programming is a taxing process. Not only do we need to keep a mental model of the software we're working on, but we also have our own emotional attachment the software. Our emotional state can mirror what we feel about what we're creating; whether we're excited, bored, or stuck. Keeping a positive attitude about software that isn't measuring up to our expectations is exhausting. Couple that with our own insecurities, fears, and doubts and you begin to see why programmers tend to burn out --- it's a combination of the stress of the job and our emotional reaction to that stress.

## Emotional drains

There are several factors that can cause us emotional highs and lows while programming. These are some that I've noticed in my own programming.

### Purpose and utility

If we clearly see where and how this code will become useful we can get a sense of drive and purpose --- we're working toward something that will benefit folks! Whatever pitfalls lie in wait for us we can be assured that we will do our best to make sure that we conquer them as best we can because people are depending on us. We can tap into the emotional highs of self-worth and purpose to help buoy us along.

The opposite is true, of course --- if we don't see the purpose then our work will seem in vain. We'll struggle to meet deadlines and feel a sense of worthlessness in our pursuits. Sometimes it's a project that isn't aligned with our own purposes and goals. Or it could be a poorly managed project that we're forced to work on, despite our never explicitly agreeing to the terms. We can be frustrated trying to meet an arbitrary deadline if we don't see the point of what we're working on. 

### Engagement vs. boredom

You've already experienced several layers of engagement with your programming. There are projects and topics that don't feel like a chore. You feel like you're learning something each step of the way. The outside world disappears while we work in a cocoon of focus. We lose track of time and feel both disoriented and refreshed when the work is completed.

Conversely you're probably more familiar with the opposite: boredom. The code base doesn't engage you at all. The topic you're learning or working on is just re-hashing something you already know. It's a chore to get started. Everything in the world feels way more interesting and the minutes drag along throughout the whole process. 

### Awake vs. tired

Sleep is a major contributor to how we perceive the world. Getting enough sleep manifests in feeling refreshed, awake, and inspired. We have the energy reserves at the ready to take on whatever challenges befall us. But when we don't get enough sleep (or enough quality sleep) we become irritable and less-open to engagement. We conserve our resources as best we can lest we use them up too quickly. We look to stimulants (caffeine, distractions, and the like) to keep us engaged throughout the day.

### Mental state

I'm using "mental state" in a broad sense to cover any of our existing feelings and current mental well-being. These can range from temporary feelings of unhappiness and melancholy to complex and serious topics like clinical depression and PTSD. Our minds are complex machines that do their best to adapt to the situations and environments presented to them. At times this can clash with our desires to be productive and the struggle between our mental state and our desires can cause further emotional drain, discomfort, and despair.

There are more things that can affect our emotions but these are the ones that I'd like to focus on as they cover a broad spectrum of what we bring to the tasks of learning and programming.

## Awareness of our Emotional State

Being aware of our emotional state (what we're feeling right now) gives us our current emotional location. We can see where we are and understand what our mind is telling us. Giving ourselves a few moments to truly see what emotional state our mind is in will help us to move forward.

Note that we're not trying to change our emotional state. We're not trying to force ourselves to be something we're not. If we're truly unhappy with where we are or what we're doing it's more helpful to see what's causing this unhappiness than to try to paper over those emotions. Seeing our emotions clearly allows us to see what is causing them. Being present with these emotions allows us to better understand our mental state and what we're capable of in the moment.

You can do this in the context of mindfulness meditation but even sitting at your desk and thinking "for one to two minutes I'm just going to sit here and explore my emotional state" should suffice. Seeing our emotions for what they are and digging in to find out what is causing them can help us understand what we're feeling.

You might already know what is causing these emotions and emotional state and be afraid of exploring them. Some emotions may overwhelm us and make us feel things that we don't want to feel. Do as much of this as you are able and be gentle with yourself. You may find that your gentle prodding of these emotions can lead you to better understand them. Be as brave as you can with these emotions and if they start to overwhelm you then pull back and let the residue of those feelings subside before continuing.

## Our story

Each one of us has a story that we tell ourselves. These stories shape our perception of the world. We tell ourselves stories of how the day will be and how we will engage with the day. We create a world through our stories in which we are the central protagonist of our story (which we are). We tell stories like "the work I'm about to do will be amazing" or "I'm going to work through this problem quickly and will have an awesome solution when I'm done". Or we weave a tale about how we're not good enough at what we're doing and will likely fail in the attempt. We create a complex tale of struggle, pain, and misery where everything wrong with the world is the direct result of our actions. 

Our emotions help inform the type of story we tell. If we're feeling amazing we tell ourselves that what lies ahead will also be amazing. If we're feeling down and defeated our story reflects our defeated tone.

The truth is that our story is just that --- a story. Our stories are not a guarantee of how the day will progress. We can tell ourselves that today will be amazing and watch in horror as each interaction causes our day to be anything but amazing. Or we can say that today will be terrible and we won't accomplish anything, but instead have a pretty decent and productive day.

What we can do instead of being attached to these grand stories is focus more on the things that we love about the present moment. Instead of saying that we're going to have an amazing day we can say that there are things that we are looking forward to in this project and we hope we can work on them soon. Instead of filling your day with stories of dread and doom you can focus on the little victories along the way. (Yes, even something as small as "my computer booted without crashing" can be a victory.) Our intention can be to have a great next 10 minutes (in our focus containers from the previous chapters) and keep working with that intention throughout the day. They won't all be perfect (perhaps your computer is being extra stubborn today) but we can re-calibrate for the next 10 minutes to see if that container might be better.

Giving ourselves the power to focus more on the present and the very next steps we're about to take gives us the freedom to re-calibrate as the day progresses. We can focus on the positive aspects of what we're doing instead of seeing how reality is diverging from our internal stories. We can course-correct throughout the day and try to trend towards a more productive day rather than see how distant we are from our ideal day and wonder if there's any point to doing any of it.

This will take practice. We're accustomed to letting our stories drive our day. But over time we'll be able to break our day into chunks where we can be more flexible with our stories.

## Awareness in action

### FIXME

Say that in this moment we're feeling anxious. We've just received a bug report and it's related to something we've been working on. The bug report states that code that we committed earlier isn't working and probably has never worked the way we thought it worked. As we read the bug report our anxiety levels increase. Our inner monologue kicks in and we start telling ourselves that we aren't nearly as good as we thought. We're not perfect. We suck. We didn't get enough sleep the night before so our emotions are in a state of heightened awareness. Our mind races and flashes images of the other times when we've failed. As we keep reading our sense of dread kicks in. What will they think of me? What do they think of me now? Am I going to lose my job over this?

Before we've even finished reading the bug report we've created a story. The story begins with a montage of our past failures and adds this latest bug report to that montage. Our story then ratchets up the pressure by raising the stakes of the importance of this bug report: not only do we have to fix whatever broke but now we have to fix our reputation and start a job search. As the story progresses in our minds we're wondering if we'll ever work as a programmer again, and feel that our career as a programmer is over.

The story we've created isn't a pleasant story, but I'm sure you can relate to the factors that generate it. You've probably had similar stories play out in your head. It's a story that draws from the rich lakes of our insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. It's fueled by fear: fear that you'll ruin your reputation, fear they won't trust you, and fear that you'll fail.

Fear is one of the most powerful emotions we have but it's not the only one. Reading that bug report may also elicit other emotions like grief (we thought that code was good and now that thought is gone), uncertainty (how will we fix the problem?), and anger (how could we have deluded ourselves into thinking this worked?). We may also feel sadness and loneliness. We could feel disconnected and adrift.

Being aware of the feelings we have can help us diagnose the story we told ourselves and how it didn't match reality. They can give us feedback on how we are perceiving our world and the work we're doing. Pausing for a moment to acknowledge our feelings and understand where they are coming from give us an understanding of what our emotions are trying to tell us.

## Finding our feelings

Our feelings manifest themselves in our bodies in some shape or form. Fear can be a knot in our stomach or tension in our chest. Anger can feel like our head is getting hot and our jaw clenching. We can pause for a moment and just sit with our feelings and notice them. Think of like you are scanning your body looking for the feelings you have. Notice where your mind is drawn: tightness of your chest, tightness in your stomach, a clenched jaw, or whatever you may feel. Notice the sensation of that feeling. You can dig deeper and try to find the underlying causes of the feeling but for now just notice that it exists. Sit for a few moments more and be curious about how it feels. Let the feeling exist - be kind and gentle with it. Give it space. Above all don't try to fight the feeling or wish that it would end; just notice it. Eventually the feeling may subside but for now just acknowledge that you have this feeling and you're going to be curious about it.

Some feelings and emotions may be more painful than others. Give them space and be curious about them as long as you can. If you notice yourself starting to panic or feel overwhelmed by the feeling then you may stop before they overtake you. Remind yourself that these are emotions and are a part of you. You and your emotions work together. You're on the same team.

## Emotional Triage

There's a tendency to want to run away from our feelings, or try to suppress them. Our feelings aren't always pleasant and we want to avoid things that make us unhappy or uncomfortable. And we want our internal narrative to be one of someone who is smart and capable of doing anything we put our mind to doing. But when we feel negative emotions or fail to live up to our stories we start to feel crappy about ourselves. We wonder if this is worth it and wonder if we will ever be happy working with computers.

Think of this practice as emotional triage. Hopefully you've never had to go to a hospital emergency room, but if you have you'll see a whole string of doctors and nurses who are trained to diagnose what just walked through the door and determine the severity of the problem. When we recognize that we're having an emotion we too are diagnosing what emotion we're having and the severity of the emotion. We take these moments when we're having these emotions to see what the emotion is. As we review our emotions we are gentle with them and see them for what they are. A good doctor or nurse doesn't impose their desires on the patient; the simply accept the patient for who they are and act accordingly. When we recognize our emotions for what they are and see where they are coming from we can better understand what we're facing. 

The more we do this practice the better we'll become at recognizing our emotions and why we're having them. We'll be better able to see what we're feeling and understand why we're feeling them. When we feel anxious we can recognize that we might be in an area of development where we don't fully know what we're doing. We can then feel the anxiety for a bit (don't try to chase it away just yet) and then think about what we're currently working on and the areas that might be new to us. We can then mentally note them, or (better still) write them down or journal them so when we complete what we're doing we can review the areas that caused us anxiety.

With this practice we can turn our emotions from something that drives us into something that guides us. We can use our emotions as a tool to better calibrate our internal stories. Instead of thinking that we're going to be amazing programmers generating bug-free code (which is amazing fiction, no doubt) we can instead say that we're going to spend the next 10 minutes exploring this area of our work and see where the gaps are in there. As we explore our emotions and anxiety can let us know where we feel we need to improve and adapt. We can then change our plans as needed to address those areas we feel are lacking or need improvement.

## Burnout

One thing that our emotional triage can help us diagnose is feeling burned out. Burnout is a collection of emotions coupled with emotional and physical exhaustion. 

Burnout can manifest itself in different ways. For some it may be the feeling of dread for working on a project. They feel like they are ineffectual in making any changes. For others burnout can be feelings of exhaustion. They feel as though they're on a treadmill that just will not stop and they wanted to stop a long time ago. Burnout can also manifest in feeling creatively drained, where imagining a different future is difficult and nothing that you do is interesting.

Burnout can be something as simple as boredom or being overworked but it can also be the sign of something more serious. Burnout can lead to physical complications if we're not careful. We can work ourselves to exhaustion and think that's just part of the price we have to pay as programmers.

Burnout is tricky to self-diagnose because it is a collection of seemingly unrelated emotions. Our feelings of boredom, fear, exhaustion, and anxiety can all have different root causes, but when we couple them together with unrelenting working schedules we amplify them. Left unchecked and unexamined we can lead ourselves into places where we don't want to program anymore. We can cause ourselves more undue suffering by just "powering through it" which can lead us to compound our emotional state.

There are some things we can do to understand and help alleviate burnout:

1. Realize that we're burned out, or about to burn out. Acknowledging that we're about to burn out is key to not experiencing the burnout. That seems simple enough but we tend to realize it when we're in it. If we can recognize that we're about to burn out then we can take measures to avoid it. And if we realize that we've burned out we can take measures to be kind to ourselves and help ourselves out of this burned-out state.
1. Examine our emotions. Sit for a while and see what emotions come into view. Are we feeling stress, fear, anxiety, nervousness, or anger? See what feelings emerge and recognize these feelings. Examine where these feelings are coming from and what might be triggering these emotions.
1. Re-negotiate our commitments. Many times burnout is the result of overcommitment, whether to others or ourselves. We have too much to do and despite our best efforts we can't meet the obligations. Perhaps they were too aggressive, or something caused the world to change when the plan was made. Whatever the reason we may need to re-evaluate what is expected of us and what we are capable of doing. And if we see that we've created an intractable situation for ourselves then we need to figure out how to cut away some of these obligations.
1. Give our drive a rest. Unlike our mechanical counterparts we need downtime and rest. We can't work a straight 8 hours without at least some moments where we aren't working. Programming demands a lot of mental bandwidth and pushing ourselves to exhaustion can lead to emotional instability, stress, and burnout.
1. Examine if this is truly how we want to live our lives. We need to be aware if what we're doing is really what we want to be doing. If we're not happy doing this then every moment we do this can compound our feelings of unhappiness. If we look deep in ourselves and feel nothing but dread for our current situation then we may need to renegotiate our commitments. That can be something as simple as agreeing not to learn something right now, or can be as complex as taking on different work or changing careers.

By understanding that we're headed toward burnout (or are burned-out already) we can take measures to course-correct so we can approach our programming practice with joy and enthusiasm. Sometimes taking a step back and re-evaluating what we're doing can help us not sit in the constant loops of frustration, anger, and guilt. Changing our story to better fit reality can keep us from trying to match an impossible dream. 

You will experience burnout in your programming career. Things will come at you that will overwhelm your ability to cope with them. You will find yourself stuck in loops wondering if this is really what you should be doing. Understanding what you're feeling and acknowledging your feelings as valid is the first step to changing the course from one of burnout and stress. Programming shouldn't be drudgery (no work should be drudgery). There should be something in your programming day that keeps you motivated, and helps you grow your skills. Adding bits of learning, joy and wonder (along with periods of downtime) will help sustain you through the emotional turbulence that awaits.

## Giving up

Programmers don't like to think about giving up. We work on machines that have so many possibilities that we feel we should be able to make things work. But sometimes we can't see those possibilities. Sometimes we look at the list of things we should be learning and wonder if it's all worth it. We look at lists of job prospects and see nothing but meaningless work. Students ask us what it's like to be a programmer and we wonder if it's OK to crush their dreams this early in their careers. The joy that sustained us into learning the craft disappears and we're left wondering if we will ever cultivate that feeling again.

Programming isn't for everyone. There are times when I've wondered if I should be working as a programmer. I feel as though I can't learn everything that I need to know, and wonder if what I'm learning will not matter because in 10 seconds everything out there will have completely changed. I struggle looking at job positions that seem like they won't matter in 3 years, let alone 100. I feel like the computing future I was promised never happened and we're stuck in a world where computers are little more than levers for companies to pry open the wallets of their customers.

It's easy to become fatalistic about the practice of programming but I've realized that there's more to computing and programming than what I see in the job market. 

Part of the joy of programming is the curiosity. If we can continually tap into that curiosity then we have so many avenues to explore.  From game programming to some of the more esoteric languages there are always topics and ideas to discover. What the job market uses is but a fraction of what is out there. There's also a whole host of emulators and retro-computers available with good documentation. One of the things that I'm curious about is how older computers work. But there are also newer, lower-powered machines out there in the embedded space that are fascinating to look at and understand.

But there can also be the realization that there's no joy left in programming. The thought of programming no longer excites us and even the thought of trying something new fills us with dread. We no longer want to even try. What then?

If we no longer find joy in programming then we need to understand why we feel that way. Perhaps we're tired and have been through a project that drained all of the fun and excitement of programming. Or we found that the communities in our area and online are hostile and unwelcoming. Maybe we thought programming would be fun but every time we start we wish we were doing something / anything else instead.

Programming is not for everyone. I strongly feel that programming is something that is best when you really want to do it. But if you're stuck in a situation where you don't want to do this anymore then it's perfectly reasonable to step away from it and give up. There's no shame in this at all - many programmers have decided they lost the spark and the desire and have gone into other fields. Stepping away from the computer is perfectly fine.

It's OK to walk away from programming and do something else. Programming is only one facet of our lives. True, it may be a big facet, and it may feel scary to give up something that we've worked so hard to accomplish. But if we examine our feelings and realize that we're just going through the motions, or see that we're no longer finding any joy in programming then it's time to think about what else we can be doing with our lives. We're granted a limited amount of time to live our lives and doing something we don't enjoy robs us of a meaningful life.

Giving up doesn't have to be a negative experience. Taking time away from being a programmer is perfectly fine and is not a mark of shame. Plenty of programmers have taken a "sabbatical" from programming to allow themselves to explore other interests and recharge themselves. Breaking the loop of negative experiences in programming can help us clearly see what we want out of programming and a programming career. It can help confirm our innermost feelings about programming and see if it's right for us to pursue any further.

There are several fears that can keep us from making this break with programming. The first fear goes by the fancy name of the "sunk cost fallacy". This fallacy is the belief that we have invested too much time and effort that will be wasted if we quit. I would argue that learning any sort of programming is not a wasted skill and can be applied to many facets of our lives, such as simplifying tasks into manageable steps, and basic Boolean logic.

The second fear is that if we stop programming that we are letting down our fellow programmers in some way. This one is tricky because we might be on a team where we have a large load of tasks to complete and our decision to quit may mean these tasks won't get done the way we wanted them to get done. Or we may fear that our absence will cause harm to the enterprise and its eventual collapse. This fear requires us to choose between which is more important: our well-being or the well-being of others. It also requires us to explore whether those fears are true or whether they are groundless. Are we really that irreplaceable or can someone take our place? Sometimes the answer may be "no, but I need to do this for me or I will cause harm to both of us if this continues". Thinking in terms of the well-being of both you and the organizations you belong to in longer-term prospect may help you make this decision.

The third fear deals with our own personal fears of identity and the memory of our community. If we decide to stop being a programmer will that somehow erase a part of our identity. Will our community stop identifying us as a programmer and will we lose contact with folks that have become friends, colleagues, and such. Again, this is tricky to overcome because programming may be a large part of the identity you crafted for yourself. Letting go of that can lead to you feeling less like yourself. And the fear that folks will stop calling you for programming projects can be compounded if you feel that you might just need a break from programming and may wish to return.

Each of these fears is a valid fear, but they may not be the truth. We can't control how others perceive us or how organizations move on without us. What we can control is our participation in each of these communities. We can determine if a hard break from programming would be better than gradually easing ourselves out of our commitments. We can clarify to others what our current standing is and if this is something that is permanent or temporary. But what is most important is that we don't let others persuade us into doing something that is harmful to us. If we need to stop programming because we are emotionally drained and burned out then we need to make it clear to others that we will be doing them a disservice if we continue.

Mature communities will understand the need to stop programming and walk away. They will understand that your mental and emotional well-being is more important for you than their needs to continue. And they will be able to piece together what needs to be done and heal from your absence. It is natural and normal for folks to move on from organizations and pursue other priorities. 

What's important to remember is that it's OK not to be a programmer and to turn off that portion of your being. Whether or not that is a permanent change is up to you and your desires. Programming is hard enough. Feeling emotionally drained, uninspired, and burned out is counterproductive to your programming exercise. Taking a break from programming to explore other interests is natural and doesn't mean you're less of a programmer for wanting to recharge yourself. And should you realize that you are happiest when you're not programming then we can appreciate the time that you were a programmer and promise to meet again someday should you return.